One little thing.

Dude, you guys, check out what happened to Horatio Sanz, formerly of SNL.
Wow.

Wow.

"Um... dude?"

Everyone is talking LOST.

If you're not a fan, don't leave yet. Please. :)

The thing is, LOST (I love typing LOST in all caps and so that's where it will stay) is one of the only shows on television (or was) that actually makes me feel dumb.

I love that. It's why I have such smart friends (partly, anyway). It's also part of why LOST is best watched in community.

Granted, fans, it's a great show no matter what, whether you appreciate it and take it apart, or like me, you overemphasize the ridiculous and just take the ride. But even when I watched Lost alone (thank you, Netflix streaming), I was still barraging friends, Eric and Ashley in particular, with questions, quips and I will now resist the urge to make this sentence alliterative... thoughts. Whew.

Because LOST is better in community, even if that community is behind a screen.

For fans
Maureen Ryan of the Chicago Tribune and B.J. Keeton (who is taking part in the blogathon) have broken in down in ways that hurt my head.

For fans and non-fans alike

This is hilarious. And if you haven't watched LOST, it's so much so fast it won't ruin anything.

I was a LOST late-bloomer. And I still love Sayid.



(Note: The picture was abc,com's April Fool's joke. Get it? You're welcome, Ashley Sue.)

I promise I sometimes go outside.

A confession right off: I didn't have a topic tonight. Plus, I got home kind of late because I went and saw Shutter Island again (I liked it better than I did the first time).

But then Eric, who (whom? I never remember. I need Grammar Girl--and just a heads up, tonight's grammar will be horrific) you all met semi-officially yesterday, asked me if he should bother watching "V", and I reminded him that it was the season finale, so it would only be the best "V" could do. Also, I said, I need a blog topic.

Tell them three things "V" could improve, he said.

I pondered this for a split second and said, Make it better, lose the bad CG backgrounds, and make it better.

I felt helpful, but it made me think of the number of tv shows I watch regularly. As usual, I blame the internet.

With Hulu and Netflix at my fingertips (and many months of insomnia) I have watched a ridiculous amount of tv without ever turning on the set.

Here's what we're currently working through:

"V" and "Lost"--both are ridiculous, but one is much, much better than the other. Guess which?

"Modern Family"--seriously, tied in my head with "30 Rock" for the funniest thing on TV right now. And for those of you who are asking, my favorite character is Mitchell. He's a gay straight-man (comedy-wise, folks), and I find that hilarious. Because I am a total dork for words.

"American Idol"--I don't actually watch this, usually. I just let my friend Lauren text me who gets booted every week, and as long as Crystal Bowersox wins, the world will be ok for me.

"Kitchen Nightmares"--I love Gordon Ramsey, probably to a pathological degree. Anything he does, I will watch. How boring is "Hell's Kitchen" by now? SO BORING. But he's on it, so I watch.

"The Office"--I hate to admit it, but "The Office" is losing steam. They're grasping at straws for plot points, but they still make me laugh, and I still love Toby Flenderson, so I'll watch till it's done.

"30 Rock"--You already know. Please don't make me tell you again.

"Community"-- Yes, at times, it's a little too clever and tries too hard to push the envelope within the bounds of a network. But it's still funny, and I love that each episode works within the context of a memorable movie.

"Parks and Recreation"--Amy Poehler is funny, no doubt. But the best part of the show isn't her, it isn't Aziz Ansari or even Rashida Jones. The rest of the cast, most of whom I had never seen before, are fantastic. Whoever it is that plays Ron Swanson is hysterical, mainly because we've all met that guy. And I would watch an entire show around April the intern. But no spinoffs yet, please.


"Party Down"--This is a goofy show (on Starz, of all places) about struggling actors and writers in Hollywood making a living as caterers. It's Starz trying (and failing) to be HBO, but it's still good.

Speaking of HBO, last two:

"The Wire"--Everybody loves "The Wire", right? And everybody who doesn't has to hear about it from somebody who does. One of these days, "The Wire" will have its own post here, but not today. I'm just barely into season 4, so DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS (especially not to Omar or Bubbles, thanks).

"Six Feet Under"--I haven't watched this in months because I promised not to watch it until I finished "The Wire", and then my watching of "The Wire" was delayed by someone. Ahem. But it's a great show, and just a brilliant concept, and I kind of can't wait to get back to it.

Like I said, I don't watch all of these in a row, or even all of these once a week, and they often pop up when I'm unable to sleep. And there will be a post on "The Wire" at some point. Promise.

Three things I love.

After yesterday's "Woe is me, tires flee from me" post, I figured some positivity was in order. And so, here are three things I love.

1. My Dad. 

My dad called me today and offered to buy me a set of new tires, something I never could have afforded on my own. Because of thing I love number two, I ended up not needing them, but still. It was a reminder of how good my dad is at always coming through. I forget really easily how many people either don't have dads at all, or don't have dads who are really good men. And my dad is a really good man.

Not having a job this year has been really brutal. But my dad has always been a voice of calm, reminding me "We all know you're working really hard, and we all know how tough it is to get hired right now." Also, not having to be at work has afforded me the chance to be at my parents' house more, especially when my mom got sick. And I got to spend more time with Dad, and really get to know him as a whole person, not just "Dad".


2. Les Schwab Tire Centers

Yep. I love these guys. A bit of promotion for them: If you don't live in the West, you're out of luck. And it's a shame for you, really. because they are amazing. I've visited their stores in several towns, and the service is consistently exemplary. You can drive in and have them check your tire on the spot, and their warantees are fantastic. If something goes wrong with something you bought there, they replace it, no problem.

They also don't try to sell you stuff you don't need. I told you about the generous offer from my dad--asked them to check out all of the tires, even told them I was willing to buy a whole new set. They let me know that my tires were in good shape, and then they fixed the one that went flat. You all saw the photo from yesterday. Repaired. No charge. Amazing. Their website.

3. 30 Rock


 Why aren't you watching this show? It's the best thing on network TV. The writing is brilliant, the jokes are fast, self-aware and unpredictable, the cast is perfect, and Tracy Morgan makes me wish every week he had been this funny on SNL. That is all.

"It's a soap opera and MacGyver and The Twilight Zone."

So, five years behind everyone else, I am catching up on LOST. I got pulled in and stayed pulled in precisely because I realized that the people behind the show, somewhere around the end of season two, just decided that, since they had a hit show on their hands, they'd see just how crazy they could make everything. And when the primary goal of a show is to be as whacked out as possible, a viewer can either get mad and find something more constructive to do with his time, or she can embrace the crazy, laugh her head off, and say, "Wha...???" at least twice an episode. 

I have chosen the latter. 

Now, to be fair, I have only watched the first three episodes of the current season. And you can't catch up because Hulu.com and ABC.com, the legal sites where you can stream episodes, have decided to make only the last five available at a time, which puts me in a "Grumble grumble don't make me responsible to the constraints of time structure grumble grumble" space. 

But, the reason I still watch the show can be best expressed in how I explained it to a friend the other day (it has been mildly enhanced). Starting at the end of season six, episode 3 (and yes, there are huge gaps. I'm not an encyclopedia. Deal.)


YES, THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS. THEY'RE TERRIBLY DONE, BUT THEY'RE SPOILERS. 
If you haven't watched Season 6, episode 3, don't get mad at me if you keep reading. 

"So, they discovered Claire, who's gone all mountain-woman crazy, and they thought maybe she was gone for good because she abandoned Aaron, her baby, and went off with Jack's dad, who was dead when they got to the island but his body fell out of the coffin in the plane crash and then he just started appearing places, and it turns out that Claire and Jack, who is a surgeon and an alcoholic, are half-brother and -sister, but I don't think Claire knows that yet, but anyway, she's hanging out with her dead dad and making weird faces, which is how you know she's crazy, and the dad is probably evil because it turns out there's this smoke monster on the island that is this big storm of black smoke and lightning and it kills people, but it also can, like, inhabit dead bodies, because John Locke also died, and he was one of the original people on the plane, and before the crash he was paralyzed because he had this crazy dad who stole one of his kidneys and then shoved him out of an eighth-story window, but when he got to the island he could walk again because the island is MAGIC but then a bunch of stuff happened and then he learned that he had to die as a sacrifice for the other island people, because some got off the island but a whole bunch didn't, and so HE returned to the island in a coffin just like Jack's dad but then the second plane crashed too and all of the sudden there's a dead John on the beach and a live John looking crazy-eyed and going into this place called the temple, and whenever he disappears the smoke monster shows up, SO, LOGICALLY, the smoke monster inhabits newly dead bodies and makes them evil."

All of this, for those of you not watching, followed a hydrogen bomb explosion which was purposefully set off in the hopes of blowing everyone on the island back in time, so that they would never get on the original plane in the first place. 

Admit it, you kind of want to watch the show now, right? It's ok. Your secret's safe with me. 

"Apostrophes are excellent at hiding in caves."

I'm a little behind the buzz, but Oprah had Jenna Jameson on her show the other day. Whitney Matheson, who is the pop culture critic for USA Today (Hello, fantasy job. Nice to meet you.), also has a Twitter account, @popcandy. And the day before the broadcast, Matheson said the following:

"Oprah is interviewing Jenna Jameson tomorrow (?!). Man, I can't wait to hear Jenna's advice on how to live your best life."

It got me thinking. For the record, I didn't watch the Oprah episode, and my knowledge of Jenna Jameson is strictly limited to magazine articles (real ones, with words). But I do know that she's an extremely savvy woman, and she has basically built herself an empire. She even has instructional videos. And now she's on Oprah's couch, which is essentially a seal of approval from the most powerful voice in world culture. In a sense, Jameson's become the porn star next door.

I am not here to judge Jameson's actions, to critique her moral position, or to spark a debate on the evils or benefits of the porn industry. I'm here talking about Oprah and a porn star because I think Whitney Matheson's simple little tweet was actually quite profound.

Oprah is all about living your best life. She's also had Joel Osteen on her show more than once, and has embraced his extra-positive view of living the best life possible. And Osteen's latest book, It's Your Time, also just came out.

Matthew Paul Turner has a blog I follow, Jesus Needs New PR, and he's always full of snarky comments for almost everybody. He posted about It's Your Time, and posted the text from the book jacket, with his own comments interspersed. I have taken them out, but reposted it. I'm going to let the text speak for itself.

For legality's sake, I'll make it clear that the following is the property of Osteen's publisher, Simon & Schuster. Any grammatical or spelling mistakes are typos, and should be blamed entirely on me.

Get your hopes up. Raise your expectations. Your best days are in front of you. In challenging times, it may be hard to see better days ahead. You may feel as though your struggles will never end, that things won't ever turn around for you. This is exactly the moment to put your faith into action and expect God's blessings. It's your time to declare your faith, to look for God's favor, and to give control of your life to Him so that you can find fulfillment in His plans for you!

It's your time to believe.

It's not easy to always be optimistic. Life can be difficult and in hard economic times it's not just your finances that suffer. Your relationships can be strained. Your health can be stressed. When one part of your life after another takes a bad turn, you can feel like there is no end in sight, no way out. The truth is maybe you don't have an answer. But God does! Maybe you don't have the strength. But God does!

It's your time for favor.

In It's Your Time, best-selling author Joel Osteen, pastor of the nation's largest church, offers the inspirational truth that no matter where you stand in life, you are never alone. He reminds you also that the bigger your burden, the greater your blessings to come. You may have neglected God, but He has not abandoned you. He has already released good things into your future. As long as you're breathing, you can still reclaim His favor by renewing your faith and accepting His plans for you.

It's your time for restoration.

In these pages, Joel offers assurances that God does not want you to merely survive challenging times, He wants you to thrive. When you give your life over to Him, God will send new opportunities your way so that you can soar to new heights of fulfillment. History has shown that the most difficult times can serve as a catalyst for creativity, innovation and accomplishment. If you hold onto your faith, ask for God's favor, and don't give in to depression or discouragement, you will emerge not bitter but better, not a victim but a victor.

It's your time to trust.

God is already working in your life to arrange the right people, the right skills and the right opportunities to give you the tools you need to fulfill and exceed your dreams. Drawing from Joel's experience and those of people around the world, It's Your Time offers messages of faith, hope and strength to help you rise above any circumstance so that you can fulfill God's best plan for your life.

It's your time to stretch.

Joel has filled this book with bold new prayers, inspiring stories and practical tools for moving forward in faith. You will find inspiration from others who have overcome adversity and achieved their dreams. You will find proven methods for not just picking up the pieces but for building a new life better than you'd imagined. The hopeful messages and warm encouragements in this book will push you to expand your horizons beyond what you thought you were capable of doing so that you might go even farther than you'd ever dreamed of going.

It's your time!

I hope somebody can understand where I'm going. Oprah has adopted a "whatever works" policy that she is sharing, quite literally, the world over. Whatever gives you your best life! If it's God, great. If it's sex, great. If it's food...sorta great. If nothing else, you living your best life now will keep Oprah in business as she shills for every new diet fad and every new mildly attractive doctor she meets.

But ultimately, Oprah's message is that it's all about you. It's all about your pleasures, your satisfaction, and your fulfillment. And no wonder both Jameson and Olsteen make great Oprah guests--their messages are exactly the same.

Thinking about these two made me think about how often I have misrepresented God and the gospel, how often I have made it sound like something simple, happy and easy. The truth is that my relationship with God brings me joy, but it is far from easy. It has been an experience of letting go of myself and releasing my dreams, not of finding fulfillment in them, as Osteen supposes.

This doesn't mean that I don't have dreams or hopes--it means that I have a new hope, one that isn't based on my success or failure, or my ability to perform. It's based in allowing myself to be changed, and to be transformed, little by little, into who I am and will be. I understand that part of that will mean failure, and part of that will mean continually allowing my dreams to change and re-emerge, rather than demanding that they succeed and expand. It means that I won't always be satisfied in other people, and that I won't be able to make them react and respond how I want, no matter how many videos I watch or inspirational prayers I pray.

Jenna Jameson, Joel Osteen and Oprah Winfrey are not the enemy. I am just like them, and at heart, I want the same things they're offering. I want what I want, even as that changes day to day. The real enemy can wear lots of names (greed, selfishness, pride), but it's always hard to define.

What do you see as the enemy? What's the best way to not be taken over by it?

"Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf?"

Oh my gosh, so many silly things. But first of all, a one-woman dialogue:

*h*: Hey, self?

*h* (self): Yeah?

*h*: I'm really not a fan of this whole "Let's not sleep at night" thing.

*h* (self): Yeah, I know.

*h*: So... yeah. A memo, is all. (Get it?)

*h* (self): Got it. How are you feeling?

*h*: Actually, I feel kinda funny.

*h* (self): Uh oh. Need a bucket?
*h*: Not that kind of funny...more like 'I keep giggling aloud at my own thoughts' funny, so let's run with it.

Ta da! Thank you. I will accept my Pulitzer and other baubles of appreciation via UPS.

So, my tv's been broken since I moved in here (and when I say "broken", what I actually mean is "I can't get the universal remote to work which means I can't get the tv to switch to video mode which means I can't get the converter box to work which means it's sorta kinda broken." Seriously, if you can fix it, you're welcome to do so at nearly any time.), which means that I don't watch much tv, and when I do, it becomes this wonderfully exciting thing.

I tried to watch a couple summer shows via Hulu, but I gave up, and I feel better about that now that I know Kevin Skinner won America's Got Talent. I mean, the guy's talented, no doubt, but he's so backwoodsy that I'm just afraid that two weeks into his Vegas show he's gonna go on a coke-fueled rampage, swimming in the fountain at the Bellagio, pointing out hookers and slapping transvestites. Take care of yourself, Mr. Skinner. Meanwhile...

The Office had its season premiere last night (and yes, so did Parks and Recreation but I missed it so ssshhhh...), and if there is one show I will always find a way to watch on the night it airs, it's The Office. And I learned something last night. I really like watching that show with people who love it, and like watching it with people who are sometime casual observers a lot less. Since one of them may be reading this, let me say for good measure, I love you and I think you're great and I will not let our varied levels of devotion to this show affect our friendship, apart from the fact that I might not hang with you Thursday nights.

But usually, if someone doesn't love The Office, but also doesn't dislike it strongly enough to not watch it if it is on somewhere they happen to be, the following will happen: They will laugh some (but not as much as me), they will become a harmless and unintended peanut gallery, from which will be heard statements such as, "Um... okay..." and "Oh my gosh...." and "Wow. He's kind of a jerk..." and all of these will be made with slight (I think mostly unintended) hints of disdain. And usually, if you ask a casual observer of The Office if they are a fan of the show, they will say something like, "It's funny sometimes, but it's so awkward. Like, I know it's supposed to be, but sometimes it's just too awkward."

This is usually the point where I will announce that I love the show, and I will feel like a heathen and a failure. But the fact is that the casual observer is right, the fact that it's so awkward is what makes the show, because you either see moments like that (hopefully to a milder degree) all the time and feel like you know people like the characters in your own life, or you don't. But I'm sorry, I find the idea of Andy describing his maybe-gay maybe-not-gay fantasy about Brad Pitt to his gay coworker hilarious (ask someone who's gay, and I can almost promise you they've had a mellow form of that conversation with a straight coworker). And Jesus still loves me, and I'm sure he would love Andy Bernard, too, were he real.

After that, this new show Community was on, which stars this guy named Joel McHale, who used to be on this show on the E! network (or maybe still is) called The Soup, where he stands in front of a flat-screen tv and talks about clips from all the different talk shows and reality-tv shows.

Please don't ask me why I know this--I can only suggest that my brain is and has always been a sponge for useless trivia and has no room for practical things, such as how to live--but there have been at least three other hosts of the talk show show, which used to be called Talk Soup, and they are John Henson, Aisha Tyler, and GREG KINNEAR, YOU GUYS.

So John Henson is now kind of a cartoon of his former self, and he did the narration on that dumb Wipeout show and I think DirectTV commercials or something, which makes me kind of sad. Aisha Tyler was on Friends way back when, long after I had stopped watching, and I'm sure she has done other great stuff, I just don't know what it is. But still, she's funny, she seems awesome, and I think we'd be good friends. Call me, Aisha!

And Greg Kinnear, like way, way, way back. I love Greg, and no matter how many Little Miss Sunshines he is in, I will always hear, "It's high times for you, isn't it Melvin? The gay neighbor is terrified!" in my head when I see him, and this will make me want to hug him and take him home. And by the way, if you are in the sad position of never having seen As Good As It Gets, that should be fixed immediately, because that movie is hilarious and sad in a great way, and Greg Kinnear is perfect.

Whew! All that to say that Community was actually pretty funny, and then Jay Leno's "new" show came on and everyone got kind of quiet and sad, because it's Jay Leno, which means it's not funny.

Okay, before I go, I feel like I need to share something that proves I still have a working brain: literature! I finished Franny & Zooey, which I loved and want to read like four more times, and just started Love in the Time of Cholera. And in defense of why I love novels, check out this first line:

"It was inevitable: The scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love."

Are you kidding me? That's the kind of first line that makes me a total mess: I don't know whether to curse, or pray, or make out with the first man I see. And I'm only 30 pages in, but the whole book is like that! It makes me read it slow, not because it's particularly difficult, but because the words are so lush. His sentences go on for days, but they manage not to waste a word. I usually like prose that really clips along fast, but those 30 pages were kind of heavenly.

See? Brain still works. Maybe I shouldn't fix my tv... having this much to say about it is kind of great.

"While we are thrilled you think our sauce is 'the shiznit'..."

I have a not-terribly-secret crush on Brian Williams. I don’t even really know why, other than the fact that he’s adorable in a very grown man-kind of way, and I find his voice soothing, regardless of whether he’s describing violence in East Timor or a nice lady in Iowa who knits tea cozies for orphans. But since I moved into this house, I have a TV I can’t seem to figure out and roommates who never watch TV, which means I never watch TV, apart from a couple Hulu addictions. And NBC Nightly News is not one of them

But then I saw this picture today, and my love was instantly renewed.

He’s just great, isn’t he? (Photo courtesy of our pal Al Roker, via www.twitter.com/alroker)

Now, I suppose it could be said that if he wants to be amazing, he should be out fighting the fires too, but there’s something about knowing and doing one’s job, and letting others do theirs, that is better, I think. Go on, Brian. Let the firefighters be the heroes.

I know that Anderson Cooper is supposedly the hot newscaster of the day, but he just doesn’t seem normal. If I were dating Anderson Cooper (an opportunity that, let’s face it, I probably wouldn’t pass up), I would guess that there would probably be multiple occasions where it was time to go, and I was saying, “Anderson, come on already…”, watching him groom excessively in the mirror. I bet he winks at himself in the mirror, too. Not fun.

But I feel like Brian Williams would totally be game to go away someplace for a while, pretend the news didn’t exist, grow a killer beard and build you a fire with wood he cut himself. And that’s awesome. Right?

Yep. That's a pretty good assessment of my brain tonight, I think.