Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Texting is an art form.

Quite literally. Well, no, not quite literally, but you get me.

Please observe the following exchange between yours truly and this guy:

I just made a somewhat frivolous purchase you may like to try the next time you come over. 

? Exciting! What?
Please say trampoline.
Oh my god, it's totally a trampoline.

Yes, it's a trampoline. Also a giant electric piano keyboard that you play by jumping on the keys.

And a Pepsi machine you can throw a baseball at.
And a blow-up dinosaur. 

Also, I have inexplicably purchased an absurdly formal white tuxedo. 

It just so happens that I have the perfect taffeta dress for trampolining. I'm crimping my hair and coming over. 

Wait, hang on. I have just consulted this mysterious and creepy carnival fortune-telling machine which tells me that I do not actually have a trampoline. Sad. 

Ok, now I'm DYING to know. Also, that thing terrified me when I was little.

I can't possibly tell you now. It wasn't nearly exciting enough for all that buildup. It's a kitchen appliance; it involves liquids, that's all I'll say. 

Lololol. Martini shaker?

I already have a martini shaker. Alright, fine. It's this cute Japanese thing that sits on your counter and makes hot water. Like for tea. Or for trampolines.

I actually had the thought, What if it's something decidedly not awesome, like an omlette maker? But then again, for a split second I thought maybe you really did buy a floor piano.

I always wanted that floor piano but I would use it once and then never again.

I want martinis. 

Okay. Hot water martinis for everybody. 

This entire text conversation may have to be blogged. I love it. 

Aren't all of our text conversations like this? You can't possibly blog them all. Unless you did. 

I'm glad you think we're always this clever. We're not quite. Tonight you & i are in particularly good form. 

Yay us, then. But see, the thing is, this thing is always on so you can ALWAYS have hot water like as for tea. Or oatmeal or ramen. Like, IMMEDIATELY. 
Surely that is as cool as at least a small trampoline. Like a pocket trampoline. 
Also, I don't remember this pepsi machine that you can throw a baseball at. Can't you throw a baseball at pretty much anything?

But it gave you PEPSI. For FREE.

That sounds awesome, except for the free Pepsi. Does anyone drink Pepsi anymore? I think everyone drinks tea instead.

I think Coke bought all the tea. 

That would be a smart marketing move, since I understand cool and attractive people are buying hot water heater things so they can drink more tea. You should come over later in the week. Bring your pocket trampoline.

Well, I think it's fun. :)

That's all for today. You should text me about The Breakfast Club.


  1. I officially. Just busted a gut and became a Heather blog fan and "man on the other side of the texting" fan simultaneously. So gut-busting that I had to put a period after 'officially' for dramatic affect.

    The fact that you reference an omelette maker as "decidedly not awesome" is precisely why I love you. And I can't even explain how that is. It just (is).

    This text conversation is "decidedly awesome." Seriously. I want more of you and "texter B" texts to be displayed on cyberspace for my perusal. This is like hair raising texting chemistry. It's the stuff of Siskel and Ebert "2 thumbs up".

    It's conversations like this that make life worth living. Apparently the other "Stumbling Into Grace" blogger didn't have convos like this. Or else he'd still be blogging. Or alive.

  2. Amazing. I am so happy for you (and by extension, for myself as well). Can you have your own reality tv show?